I used to dream
I would dream for a better life, more money, a life of travel and adventure, a wonderful man, to swim with whale sharks, to live in Canada….I dreamed of all this and far more.
The dreams became specific, and at times they were orders not put forward gently but with frustration and determination. My passion in making them happen was unyielding.
Each day ended with a list of things that would happen tomorrow with action plans put forward — the day began with positivity, love and gratitude towards what I have already.
My life was a dream, a desire, a wish for a perfect picture — one that reflected my wants and hopes.
I lived it, I travelled, took risks, stood on the edge of impossible cliff edges with my arms outstretched daring the world, the universe to provide me with all the wonderful things that it holds close.
I knew it was possible, others had achieved it — so I knew I could as well. Nothing is impossible — the universe is endless — all those other alternate realities are spinning around in that ether-type place that I can’t see and it has my dreams firmly implanted into it’s psyche and is holding them close to it’s heart!!
I even had a vision boards — several over a period of time — but even they didn’t bring about the things I thought I desired the most –
On one of them I had photo of a kelpie running with a woman along the beach at sunset, the benefits being….
- Being able to run (haven’t done this for about 20 years)
- Having a buddy to run with and
- I’d, of course, go for a swim afterwards and be all refreshed and cool after my sweaty jog
These are all very healthy desires I thought and would add to the fullness of my life.
I did get a dog — but it was a fricken King Charles Spaniel — cute dog, but hopeless at the beach and just wanted to eat crabs and ended up costing thousands in repairs — never got to run and I did go for a few swims, but really, I just got a bit bored with it all and had to keep an eagle eye on the dog who would just run off or get fined by the dog police.
Another vision board photo was of a plane to Canada where I’d find an amazing place to live with a beautiful outlook over the alps. Cosmically awesome…..I did get to Canada — a few times, my kids live there, I went into debt to do it, came back broke every time, the last time my health suffered as well, I was humiliated and exhausted at my failures and found that being in Canada is not my dream any longer.
Another thing on those blessed vision board was dollars….Australian and Canadian to hedge my bets on all possibilities….zilch.
There were many other attempts at this because if you are going to try something persistence is the key to success!!
So — when — after decades of this dreaming didn’t work and the lottery hadn’t materialized no matter how much EFT tapping I did to open myself to the $10,000 that is just waiting for me in that ever elusive ether — I stopped.
By this time, I’m broke, wished out, over it, sick of the bullshit and over the moon about just. being. real.
By acknowledging all the things I didn’t have I kept them there –
What I learned from over a decade of dreaming, vision boards, writing down my perfect day, being super positive and even taking action to make it happen — as when I closed my practice and went fruit picking — is this.
By acknowledging all the things I didn’t have I kept them there. By dreaming of winning the lottery I knew I hadn’t, by dreaming of living in Canada with the kids I knew I wasn’t, by dreaming of making a certain amount of money each week I knew I needed it and didn’t have it.
I maintained my present situation of not having enough and dreamed of a wonderful future and even “faked it” ………….which says everything really.
The most powerful thing I’ve done to date — and this is only recently — is actually owning my life.
In the past — as in prior to all this dreaming stuff — my life was amazing, I always felt wealthy even when the kids were small and we struggled to even have enough food. And there have been recent times when I’ve tried to revive that way of thinking and feel “wealthy” again to make it happen all over again.
But really, that’s not the answer. Way too much has happened and my life is now very different and on a totally different path. This is not a bad thing at all, it’s just taken quite a while to be able to accept it.
When the kids were little I’d dream of the freedom that would be available to me — I really thought it’d be so, so easy to transition from being a mum, needed and loved by the kids to a single woman let loose on the world — free to do as I wish…..but like all transitions it’s far more difficult and painful than anticipated.
My sons have grown and live all over the world, they have their own families, kids, wives and girlfriends. They are their own men and on their own paths. They don’t think of me every day — as I do of them — they are busy, enjoying their lives, making mistakes, fixing them up, figuring things out, making ends meet and all those things I also did at their age while rarely thinking of my parents.
This is normal and I have only respect for them.
Now it’s time for me to do those things again as well — without so many mistakes — and stop listening to others.