The Devastating Shame of Being an Older Woman
We arrived at a Youth Hostel in Glasgow, tired and hungry after 6 weeks of cycling throughout Scotland. Standing at the reception with my 56 yr old sister (I was 39) I overheard one lad say loudly “Isn’t it good to see 2 old ducks here”.
Now, I’m not sure if this was meant to be an uplifting comment but what I did feel was judged and inferior.
Why is it that I feel so ashamed of being older. There’s the feeling of being useless, no longer seen or heard with no place in our society that values us except as someone who can do the menial jobs necessary to maintain the lives of younger people
I was recently told by a 32yr old man that because I believed I had more to offer this world and still believed I could make a difference, I was a spoilt white woman who should just accept my lot.
When doing some research for this topic and out of interest as to what women over 50 are actually looking for, the overwhelmingly popular topics are for nice hair, pretty eyes, great lips, beautiful clothes, how to enjoy sex and looking 10 years younger.
What has happened here?
Is this what women have come down to?
So, our breeding years are over, the wrinkles have become a permanent fixture, hair is undeniably greyer and with these changes, a freedom should follow.
The freedom to be the sum of our experiences, the knowledge of years, The power that can only come from pain, loss, suffering, rejection, offering unconditional love, taking on impossible challenges and accepting that life does go on and always changes.
That knowledge, that empowerment gives us the impetus to do what no other generation of women have had the opportunity to do.
To change the ideals of women after menopause (even admitting that out loud reminds me of being called a “dried out old trout” — by a young woman.)
To give us a good reason to live, enjoy life and most importantly to be able to give back to others.
To pass on our knowledge and not think that to do this we have to look young, have great sex, great hair and cute lips.
It’s not just a time to travel, go on cruises and have massages. It’s a time to be real, to be grounded, take stock of our health and mind and speak our truth.
It is an often touted fallacy that we are the trailblazers of women over 50 — that in the past people our age would simply die of old age or be worn out from a hard life. This isn’t true at all. Ancient people could live a long life of about 80–90 years. This means that women, over the age of child-bearing would also be part of a tribe or a community. I also believe that this doesn’t just involve being a babysitter or a cleaner for our kids' homes to “help them out”. We have far more to offer than that, although minding the littlies can be an absolute joy and cement a sense of family that is invaluable, to us and them.
Women our age would still work and be an essential and valued part of society. From what we read about these societies they weren’t ashamed to have older people about and they, in turn, were not ashamed of being older. When I was in Indonesia recently the grandmothers were climbing the palm trees to trim the fronds off and pick coconuts. These women are fit, flexible and happy not being shamed into living alone. Their life experience is valued and they are willing to share with whoever asks. I didn’t notice that they were shamed for their wrinkles, clothes or grey hair.
Yes, we are trailblazers but it’s not new. It’s been done before and can be done again. The problem seems to be that we are ashamed of getting older and it’s time to stand up, be generous with our knowledge and gentle with our approach to appreciating our gifts, knowledge and experience.
first published on www.BeInspiredLiving.com
